Gardening is changing the way I view myself

A journey of exploration and authenticity.

My grandmother was one of those people who have a green thumb. You know, the one who can take a cutting and have a big beautiful plant. The one others bring their sick and dying plants to save. While I don’t remember her having a garden, I do remember the potted plants in every window all around the house and even more in the sun room. I remember my mom dropping off her sick plant to have it come back home twice as large and beautiful.

My mom would talk about how she could never make her African violets look as nice as my grandmother did. Upon reflection, her idea of watering was usually dumping the melted and left over ice from her glass of sweet tea into whatever plant she passed, so that may have had something to do with it. My grandmother, by contrast, went with a watering can from plant to plant, tending to each one as she did.

Still, my parents did have a garden when I was growing up. Tomatoes, bell peppers, zucchini, wax beans or zipper peas (my contributions to the list as those were the veggies I preferred). The year we planted zucchini, we had so much we couldn’t give it all away. That was the year we had zucchini chocolate cake! It’s surprisingly good. Still, outside of some basic store bought fertilizer and the watering hose, they didn’t do anything special. We had enough summer harvest from that small garden every year to freeze some without all the seedling, grow light, transplant stuff I find on Instagram.

As for me? Well, I’ve always claimed to have a brown thumb - after all, I killed a cactus. In my defense, it was one of those from a truck-stop souvenir type places you stop at for a break on vacation. The ones with the googly eyes glued on. The soil was sealed in with what looked like silver painted cement with a small hole for watering. It was likely doomed when it arrived at the store. Still, my mom claimed she didn’t have my grandmother’s gift… and I was way worse.

I got a peace lily my senior year of college. It was a gift for filling in over the summer for the church music secretary who was out on leave. I managed to move that one to another state and kept it alive for about two years. Then my parents came to visit and my mother moved it off the kitchen island where it was “in the way” to the patio. It was warm the day she did it. However, it stayed there, unnoticed for at least two weeks during frosty nights before I thought “Hey! Where’s my peace lily?” Out of sight. Out of mind. Dead.

My husband gave me a house plant not long after we were married, claiming he preferred them to cut flowers, which were already dead. It sat in the corner of our living room, where it probably didn’t get enough light and certainly didn’t get enough water. After I slowly killed the “symbol of our love”, I demanded he just buy the “dead” flowers and save me the stress.

So why, in heaven’s name, have I decided that now would be a great time to garden??

Indeed, my husband posed that exact question, noting that I was a self proclaimed brown thumb and brought up the previously mentioned cactus. But I inherited a couple of lavender plants a few months ago. While they aren’t the stuff of magazines, they are still alive. After two months of that success, I bought a few plants at the nursery and some pots with the idea of a kitchen garden like I’d seen on social media.

My lavender plants in cute little pots. I got them as leftovers from a science project, so they’re a little leggy, but game.

My garden store haul. I got matching containers for this bunch.

The snow peas only produced two flowers and single pea pod. The broccoli, while it’s grown quite large, has still not flowered. It may have bolted, although I’m not sure how one knows that. The lettuce was growing beautifully and we even got a salad out of it. Then the thrips arrived, from where while we’re indoors I don’t know, and ate it all. The basil, by contrast, has done quite well. I’ve enjoyed adding it as a garnish to my soups and sauces. I love the way the smell fills the kitchen when I cook, but also the faint whiff that happens as I brush against the plants while watering. All of which got me thinking:

Perhaps I don’t have a brown thumb. What if that’s a false internalization?

• That little cactus was doomed to die. There wasn’t even a way to repot.

• The peace lily that survived for two years and moved states was kept on the kitchen island in my line of sight and above the sink. I’ve recently realized that I’m likely undiagnosed ADHD. Object permanence is real.

• The houseplant in my living room never got enough sun. It may actually have gotten enough water. Again, no routine.

Internal dialogues are funny things. Particularly when they start young and are influenced by those around us.

• Grandmother = great at plants

• Mother = self proclaimed not good at plants. She kept houseplants alive and a had a garden.

• 10 year old me killed a cactus, therefore I have a brown thumb.

This got reinforced when my serendipitous routine with the peace lily was changed without my knowledge. It was reinforced again when no routine at all was built around the next plant.

But plants die all the time. Heck, thanks to gardentok, I’ve learned that people plant seeds and weed them out Highlander style until only the strongest get planted in the garden.

So perhaps I can do a small container garden outdoors, where there’s more light than in my kitchen. The plants have brought me so much joy. I feel connected to my grandmother every morning as I water. I’ve enjoyed all the planting and gardening blogs I’ve been reading even if I don’t plan to create my own organic compost any time soon. I love looking at all the curated gardens and photos of harvests.

I’ve decided in the name of authenticity and exploration, I’m going to try. Groceries are expensive. If I can manage enough tomatoes and bell peppers for sauce and salsa out of this, I’ll be thrilled. More importantly, I’m trying instead of letting a label I acquired at 10 years old define me.

No longer will my gardening title be “I killed a cactus.”

Because I grew basil!

The vibe of the piece...

…otherwise known as the musical portion.

Each week I hope to include some music that either fits the post or fits the week or maybe even just my mood in the moment, depending.

This week is definitely a mood in the moment.

Song Selection:

The Phineas and Ferb Theme Song

I love Phineas and Ferb. If you’ve never watched the original series, it’s available on Disney+ and I highly recommend it. The writing is superb and lots of tongue in cheek references. They are coming out with a new season of episodes next month and I’ve been counting down the days.

After all, it’s almost summer. Graduations are happening, schools are letting out and there’s 104 days of summer vacation to explore.

What music have you been listening to this week? Drop me a line and tell me your favorites! I’m always on the lookout for great music.